News you can abuse
--Residents of Teslin, Yukon are awaiting the results of a DNA test on hair they believe to be from Bigfoot. However, preliminary reports indicate that the tire tracks look more like that of a normal truck.
--James Doohan, who played Scotty on the original Star Trek, died July 20 at the age of 85. William Shatner delivered his eulogy, saying, "Get a life, will ya?"
--Gerry Thomas, the inventor of the TV dinner, died July 18 at the age of 83. After his funeral, pallbearers poked holes on the top of his coffin and cremated him for 30 minutes as directed.
--Lance Armstrong won his seventh consecutive Tour de France July 24. So many angles can be taken with this one:
POLITICAL: The White House is now lobbying to call it Tour de Freedom.
PUNNY: Lance Schwinns again!
BICYCLE: He says he's retiring, but he might backpedal on that one.
CANCER: Winning takes guts, not balls.
RETIREMENT: Lance now plans to spend his days driving to McDonald's.
--James Hoffa announced July 24 that the Teamsters and other labor organizations are severing ties with the AFL-CIO. They will now form their own league, the NFL-CIO. Get ready for Labor Bowl Sunday!
--New Line Cinema deleted a Purple-Heart printout from the "Wedding Crashers" Web site after Democratic Congressman John Salazar labeled it offensive to real-life Purple Heart recipients. Where the hell was this guy hiding during the presidential election?
--"Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" shattered publishing records with its July 16 release, with millions of fans eager to find out just who kills Professor Snape. Oops!