Last week's news, TODAY!
Scientists in Pittsburgh announced that they were able to resurrect dead dogs after three hours by embalming them with a saline solution and then replenishing their blood. When informed of the news, Mel Gibson immediately began work on a new sequel, The Passion of the Bichon Frise.
The Supreme Court split votes on two separate Ten-Commandment cases this week. Under the rulings, the commandments against other gods, graven images and dishonoring thy mother and father will be permitted display, while the commandments against lying, cheating and coveting are no-nos.
Another Supreme Court decision ruled that cities now have the right to grant corporations eminent domain over private property, if the city feels that the transfer will help the economy. That's right: your friendly neighborhood Applebee's can now own your friendly neighborhood.
George W. Bush made a speech last week concerning the progress made in Iraq. If you're looking for the joke in that sentence, reread the last five words.
Live 8, an all-star concert, rocked out this week in such diverse locales as Rome, Moscow, Johannesburg and Tokyo. The fundraiser will benefit Africa, but ironically enough does not feature Toto.
On July 1, soul legend Luther Vandross died. I was devastated by that day's sad news, because we lost someone great whose shoes would not be appropriately filled anytime soon. But enough about Sandra Day O'Connor. Luther will also be sorely missed.
An athiest in Plattsmouth, Nebraska is fearing for his life after a newspaper published his name, picture, personal info and license-plate number. My question is, why worry? O.J. Simpson and his white Bronco have been all over the news for years, and everyone leaves him alone!
Rapper Lil' Kim was sentenced Wednesday to a year in prison for lying about her role in a 2001 Manhattan shootout. Good thing she didn't also expose her breast--then they would've had to get tough.
A federal judge declared a mistrial in the Notorious B.I.G. murder case Wednesday, citing the recent discovery of critical documents hidden in an LAPD desk drawer. Even in death, Biggie's still being hated on by the West Coast, yo! Among the missing documents: new suspects, new angles of alleged corruption and three more unreleased Tupac albums.
A 15-year-old London girl was rescued June 25 after she climbed up a 130-foot-high crane in her sleep. What part of "do not climb ladder when tired" didn't she understand? Then again, climbing a crane is probably the safest thing a teenage girl can do in her sleep.
In other London news, that city has officially been selected as the site for the 2012 Olympics. Other cities hoping for the bid included Paris (which was hoping to rid itself of the Hilton stigma) and New York, though the IOC figured the United States would already have enough flag-waving corruption with its presidential election.
Finally, Angelina Jolie announced this week that she is adopting an Ethiopian girl. It's part of a plan to get the kid to love Ethiopia.