Thursday, July 07, 2005



Last week's news, TODAY!

Scientists in Pittsburgh announced that they were able to resurrect dead dogs after three hours by embalming them with a saline solution and then replenishing their blood. When informed of the news, Mel Gibson immediately began work on a new sequel, The Passion of the Bichon Frise.

The Supreme Court split votes on two separate Ten-Commandment cases this week. Under the rulings, the commandments against other gods, graven images and dishonoring thy mother and father will be permitted display, while the commandments against lying, cheating and coveting are no-nos.

Another Supreme Court decision ruled that cities now have the right to grant corporations eminent domain over private property, if the city feels that the transfer will help the economy. That's right: your friendly neighborhood Applebee's can now own your friendly neighborhood.

George W. Bush made a speech last week concerning the progress made in Iraq. If you're looking for the joke in that sentence, reread the last five words.

Live 8, an all-star concert, rocked out this week in such diverse locales as Rome, Moscow, Johannesburg and Tokyo. The fundraiser will benefit Africa, but ironically enough does not feature Toto.

On July 1, soul legend Luther Vandross died. I was devastated by that day's sad news, because we lost someone great whose shoes would not be appropriately filled anytime soon. But enough about Sandra Day O'Connor. Luther will also be sorely missed.

An athiest in Plattsmouth, Nebraska is fearing for his life after a newspaper published his name, picture, personal info and license-plate number. My question is, why worry? O.J. Simpson and his white Bronco have been all over the news for years, and everyone leaves him alone!

Rapper Lil' Kim was sentenced Wednesday to a year in prison for lying about her role in a 2001 Manhattan shootout. Good thing she didn't also expose her breast--then they would've had to get tough.

A federal judge declared a mistrial in the Notorious B.I.G. murder case Wednesday, citing the recent discovery of critical documents hidden in an LAPD desk drawer. Even in death, Biggie's still being hated on by the West Coast, yo! Among the missing documents: new suspects, new angles of alleged corruption and three more unreleased Tupac albums.

A 15-year-old London girl was rescued June 25 after she climbed up a 130-foot-high crane in her sleep. What part of "do not climb ladder when tired" didn't she understand? Then again, climbing a crane is probably the safest thing a teenage girl can do in her sleep.

In other London news, that city has officially been selected as the site for the 2012 Olympics. Other cities hoping for the bid included Paris (which was hoping to rid itself of the Hilton stigma) and New York, though the IOC figured the United States would already have enough flag-waving corruption with its presidential election.

Finally, Angelina Jolie announced this week that she is adopting an Ethiopian girl. It's part of a plan to get the kid to love Ethiopia.

18 comments:

ica said...

Fake news style. Now you just have to get a delivery that beats Norm McDonald's.

Ian McGibboney said...

Are you kidding? I whip Norm's ass in delivery. Now if only audio-blogger would actually WORK, I could prove that to you...

Incidentally, I just read that there were bombings in London today. I assure anyone reading this thread that my two London jokes were written before that happened. But I would have written them anyway, because I refuse to let this kind of shit choke me like the bombers want.

Ruben said...

No one writes the way you do. The line ABout Mel Gibson had me in tears. lol

Nick said...

Icon:

Where do you get all these track pics from?

By the way...I rather get Tucker Carlson's view of the news than yours. And go figure, my girlfriend (very soon fiance) who voted for Kerry is the person who got me hooked on him.

Ian McGibboney said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ian McGibboney said...

Nick, they're from the media guides.

And I understand what you're saying about Tucker Carlson. He's twice as funny as I am without even trying.

[Edited because I can't see to get one comment off tonight without messing up its wording.]

Nick said...

But Icon:

Shhhh... on the fiance stuff for now. My own parents don't even know yet. My mom's been waiting for me to get married since I was 19 and would probably be pissed if she found out others were informed before her.

But, you and Zac attack will be invited to the weddding and to come get drunk.

Nick said...

Are you drunk are something. You made another error on your grammer. I'm starting to rub off on you. By the way, check out my comment on your LUS fiber post.

Ian McGibboney said...

Nick, you're not getting married just because of your mom, are you? Please tell me there's more to it than that! :) Also, announcing it on the Internet is probably not the best way to keep it a secret. You run the risk of at least 25 people seeing it here!

Ian McGibboney said...

Damn, Nick, I can't keep up with you!

Nick said...

And...Tucker Carlson is the man. Is just like Bill O'Reilly, smart, traditional, and independent. However, without the massive ego. Tucker is the man. Hopefully he will stay on cable. The only problem is MSNBC's shitty ratings.

Nick said...

No...my mom's not the reason I'm getting married. Actually, I never thought she would like Cherie (same girl you met at 307 one nite). Cherie has never been married, but has a 2 yr. old girl. However, to my surprise, my mom loves Cherie. Actually, it took me longer than my mom to get over the fact that she has a child out of wedlock.

However, be prepared to get an invite and get drunk at the parties.

Ian McGibboney said...

Oh, I SO won't touch that Carlson-O'Reilly comparison. I think it speaks for itself.

And yeah, I like your fiance. She seems cool based on the few minutes I talked to her that night. Nothing but the best of luck on your ascending relationship. And definitely love her kid too.

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nick said...

You mean to tell me you might actually like Tucker Carlson? Cherie had been telling me about him, from when she used to watch him on PBS. I guess he got kicked off that station b/c his libertarian/conservative views didn't mesh well with them. I saw him for the 1st time during his 1st week on MSNBC (about 4 weeks ago), however, I fear that MSNBC's crappy ratings and other crappy news segments will kill Tucker's show.

Ian McGibboney said...

Where did you get the idea that I like Tucker Carlson? But still, I do like him better than I do Bill O'Reilly. Bill reminds me of everyone's cranky uncle who misses the days when he could get away with pinching his son's girlfriend's ass.

Nick said...

Dude...I have no idea if he has a son and how old his son might be. However, if you had a 16 yr. old son w/ a cute 15-18 yr. old girlfriend...you would want to pinch that ass?

Nick said...

And by the way, though I would never wear one, who can say they don't like the bowtie outfit?