Sunday, July 31, 2005


Acts of headlining


--A funeral in Rio de Janeiro was interrupted July 27 by a hail of bullets from a nearby shootout, one of which hit the deceased. Though no one was injured at the wake, one victim was reported already dead.

--Almost 300 people at a Boy Scout function were treated for dehydration and other heat-related illnesses July 27 after George W. Bush failed to show up for a scheduled speech. Bush apologized for the missed appointment, saying that the Boy Scouts reminded him too much of the National Guard.

--NASA extended the flight of the space shuttle Discovery by one day so that astronauts at the space station can continue shuttle-repair drills. Boy, won't THAT be a sleepless night!

--A man reportedly attacked Saddam Hussein on July 28 while the deposed leader exited a courtroom in Jordan. The man's identity has not been released due to questions about whether the incident even happened. When informed of the disputed claim, George W. Bush declared war out of habit.

--Authorities in Nebraska prosecuted a 22-year-old man for sexual assault with his 13-year-old wife, whom he legally married in Kansas. If convicted, he faces 50 years in prison, where he'll learn firsthand just how much it sucks to be sexually assaulted.

--In license plate news, a Utah judge ruled that a woman can keep her vanity plate reading "GAYSROK." Even so, nobody believed the guy who claimed "BIGAMY" referred to his fat wife.

--A collision between roller coasters at Disneyland on July 29 resulted in 15 minor injuries. But the real pain in the neck was waiting in line for the ride.

--In other Disney disasters, a Disney World employee was arrested July 27 for allegedly exposing himself with a flashlight from his front window. Witnesses said that it really is a small world after all.

Parting words of wisdom: There are no atheists in foxholes, just as there are no homophobes in prison.

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