Wednesday, June 29, 2005

More white-girl news

Breast Implants Becoming Popular Gifts for Girl Grads

John Stossel takes an in-depth look into teen boobies

When she was 18, her parents had bought her a Jaguar for graduation. She didn't want a car. They told her: "OK, you can trade it in for new breasts." She did.

When I graduated from high school, I got dinner at Piccadilly.

I don't understand why we give high-school graduates big gifts in the first place. I can certainly understand it in cases where overcoming adversity is involved, such as with an adult or someone overcoming a learning disability. But the rest of them don't deserve jack. I mean, come on! You're SUPPOSED to graduate high school! In 2005, you barely have a shot without a diploma. Why people get cars or fake tits for it is far beyond me.

Parents, if you truly want your kids to learn a valuable lesson from graduating high school, make it this: in life, you have to WORK for things like cars and fake tits. Or, if you must be that generous, then at least make the car a Pinto or the implants cheap water balloons. Make them too embarrassed not to work. It's the American way.

Jennifer envied Lulu's new look. "Look how much confidence she has. Like, look at my shirt and look at her shirt, like, you know," she said.

"Like, I totally wish I had Lulu's name too because, like, Jennifer's too hard to say!"

Jennifer thought she could get Lulu's confidence by getting breast implants herself. So, she did. Six months later, Jennifer says her new breasts have changed her personality. "I am a loving and caring person, and I'm outgoing, but the way I used to dress and my body language didn't say that. And now it does," she said. "I feel like a different person. I have so much confidence, I like, do and say as I want, like, I don't hold anything back anymore."

So much for what's inside. Seriously, though, I sympathize, because I have a parallel in my own life. When I was 13, I was suffering from low self-image, so I got contact lenses, brushed my hair for once and began wearing nice clothes. It helped immensely with my happiness and I became more outgoing. Stuff like that matters when you're a shallow 13-year-old. As for these technical adults, I don't have a clue...

Who paid for Jennifer's new look? Her parents. "This is a gift of love from us, and we see a difference in her," Jennifer's mom, Doreen O'Brien, said.

A difference in her, heh-heh, heh-heh! Really, what else am I supposed to say? Aside from, the real gift of love would have been to teach her that stuff like this is superfluous to happiness?

The gift of breast implants costs about $7,000. "But I don't think you can put really a price on your child's happiness," she said.

Actually, I think you can. I distinctly remember my parents saying to me as a teenager, "Ian, you can indeed put a price on happiness. Here's a twenty. Now get happy."

Now 19-year-old Catherine Houtrids wants implants too. She was about to have the implant surgery when I interviewed her.

Yes, her last name is Houtrids. If there's a better made-for-porn name than that, it's fake.

Another girl told us she thought the girls' surgeries were OK since their parents could afford it. "They have the money to do so and the means to do so and there's really nothing wrong about giving their child what they want," she said.

I've had the same thought about drugs.

Kara, who had had a nose job — told us she understands why implants would make a girl more confident. "I had plastic surgery. So I know that it made me happy inside," she said.

Because nothing screams "I care about my inner beauty" like a nose job!

You know how they used to tell us in school that we were the future leaders of our country? Is anyone else scared as hell about the thought of this generation one day handling Social Security?


Flamingo Jones said...

Is anyone else scared as hell about the thought of this generation one day handling Social Security?

Oh Ian. You're so funny. I love the way you said that, all serious. Like there's still going to be Social Security then!

Even if there is, I'm still not worried. These cats won't be running it anyway. They'll all be on disability for medical complications from leaky implants.

Murph said...

Great post full of a lot of zingers. Perhaps the reporter should have told us how much bigger these fake tits are (or how small they were in the first place).

And yes, my happiness and sense of self-worth are directly connected to the size of my tits.

Brookelina said...

I got pearls for my graduation.

I feel so.....old.

The Manning Report said...

its actually kind of funny, these girls will now have to have plastic surgery every 5-10 years getting new larger ones. running your risk of getting an infection and making your breasts look like a butcher got to them.

The Goblin Slayer said...

Good point Flamingo. The sad thing is people like us will be paying for her disability.

PusBoy said...

She should have gotten a new head, including new brain.

yournamehere said...

It is getting so hard to tell who the whores are these days.

Flamingo Jones said...

Holy schnikies...first I agree with Scalia...and now Goblin Slayer. I'm starting to worry about myself.

Ian McGibboney said...

If all of us--including Manning and Goblin--can agree on something, it's that cosmetic surgery at too young an age is wrong in so many different ways. Like I've always said, nothing unites people like silicone breasts.