Friday, June 10, 2005



Class of 1997 still missed

BAKERSFIELD, CA--Teachers at Bakersfield High School said Friday that, just as they promised eight years ago, they have never forgotten the Class of 1997.

"I still remember the last day of class that fateful year," recalled English teacher Debbie Bender, as she held back tears. "I pledged to the senior class that I would really miss them. And guess what? I still do!"

Bender then ticked off some of her favorite Class-of-1997 anecdotes, including Nicole Dobbins' first-place win at District Rally in English; the eternal bonds of friendship that formed between Rebecca Malan, Stewart Gonzales, Lang Nguyen and Carlos Rosser as they toughed out AP English; and the 1997 annual Key Club Fish-Dinner Fundraiser, which she wistfully remembered as "a huge success."

"Yes indeed," Bender concluded, "The Class of 1997 was known for its heart, its patience and the friendships that made it undeniably unique. I told them never to be strangers and I wished them nothing but the best in life. Today, as they stand well past the threshhold of the future, I want them to know that there will never be another bunch like them. And while we say that to every outgoing class, I want the Class of '97 to know we really meant it that time. And still do."

Study: ignorance bliss

MANHATTAN, KS--Ignorance, a popular mental coping mechanism, really is bliss, according to a new study by Kansas State University.

"Long considered a negative aspect of the human condition, ignorance has been shown by this study to be the best mental strategy for dealing with today's world," explained Thaddeus Cullen, Professor Emeritus of Psychology. "Our findings illustrate that deliberate mental blocking of such complex issues as politics and religion have a positive effect on one's health."

Among the statistics: those who say they "don't watch the news" were 76 percent happier than those who "are mad as hell and aren't going to take it anymore"; people living in secluded rural areas were far more likely to "love America" and were less likely to fret over "the state of the world" than their urban counterparts; and Republicans were a whopping 95 percent more likely than Democrats to be "self-satisfied" and "blindly patriotic."

Additionally, Cullen said, ignorant people are more fertile, yielding an average of 3.3 more children than those deemed non-ignorant.

"We found that subjects deprived of such elements as reproductive education and safe-sex resources were far more likely to create lots of babies," Cullen said. "Thus, we can only conclude that the sex lives of such parents are far more fulfilling.

"The study declares that those with a working knowledge of the complexities of life are measurably less blissful than those who choose not to think at all," Cullen concluded.

Informed of the study's findings, Democratic Party leader Howard Dean visibly bristled.

"I'd rather not know that, thanks," Dean said, sticking his fingers in his ears.

Color Me Badd still wanna sex you up

NEW YORK--Fourteen years after topping the pop charts with their album C.M.B., Color Me Badd still wants to sex you up, the band said Friday.

"Hey, beautiful lady, I need you tonight, lovely, lovely lady," said lead singer Bryan Abrams in a statement. "I wanna make you feel alright, yeah. I can't deny, baby, I wanna love you down. Even after all these years of obscurity."

Further adding that Color Me Badd would make love to you "until we drown," Abrams advised that secrecy would be essential in consummating the union so many years in making. "Disconnect the phone so nobody knows, yeah. And make sure to turn off your ringer, now that you carry cell phones at a rate unheard of in 1991."

You declined comment, other than to recite an indecipherable chorus of "Aw, tick tock, get um, stop stop."

Popular weekend-night DJ wants weekend off for once

ASHEVILLE, NC--Citing a lack of social life, Paul Kosar, a top-rated weekend-night disk jockey at Classic Rock 104 WQNS in Asheville, said he wishes he could have the weekend off.

"Just wanna say hey to all of you PAR-TAY-ERS tonight!" Kosar said as he started off his "Friday Night Frolic," the top-rated midnight show in the Asheville radio market. "Whether you're cruisin' to Jack of the Wood or gearing up to catch some tunes at the Orange Peel, or are just kickin' it at the house, we got some rockin' tunes for you tonight! Stay tuned for some Zep, Skynyrd and some sweet advice from Paul the Party Man! All coming up!" Kosar then pushed the button activating the commercial feed, as he has done every Friday and Saturday night since his hiring in March 2000.

Kosar admitted that his reputation as a top party guy is tempered by his schedule. "Here in Asheville, I'm the voice all classic-rock fans associate with partying, late nights and good times," he said. "But what most people forget is that I spend every weekend projecting that vibe from this tiny, dank, windowless, poorly lit booth. I don't know how I do it, honestly." Kosar then took a call, mustering up his best party voice. "Paul the Party Man! PAR-TAY!! WOOO! How can I help YOU?"

"Paul duuuuude, I just LOVE your show, man," the caller said. "You are Mr. Friday Night! I bet you get all the chicks! Play me some ELO, duder!"

"YOOOOOU GOT IT, MAN!" Kosar replied cheerfully before switching into the song "Calling America."

"At least someone's got it, man. I don't," he muttered off-mic, before dropping his head in his hands.

Also in the news:

--New South still Old South
--God Republican
--Employment update: help not wanted
--Health report: Yellow Pages need to drink more water

7 comments:

Flamingo Jones said...

I hope you do these every week.

Also, at my school, the class of '97 was the one class teachers didn't even bother lying about missing. Everyone was glad to see those assclowns go.

yournamehere said...

Top notch, as aggressively drunk tourists say while sipping on an overpriced ubermartini.

Funny shit, as I say while watching infomercials alone at 3 in the morning.

Ian McGibboney said...

With timshel aside as a notable exception, our class of 1997 was an amazingly conservative group. Whereas the classes before and after it had their share of liberals and other radicals, I remember my junior year to be pretty lily-white as far as my high-school years went. Even in middle school, the future class of 1997 was filled with proudly Republican girls of questionable likeability. I never understood that.

Phillip said...

mostly i don't remember my graduating class. i was home-schooled for roughly half my senior year, although "home-schooled" may not be the right word. what do you call it when you skip school and stay home most of the time? skullduggery? shenaniannery?

Phillip said...

*shenanigannery, rather

M said...

the class of 97 was the last class with anything that resembed motivation to graduate from my high school. Several of them will be very rich someday, and I just hope they remember my poor ass.

Ian McGibboney said...

Phizz, I think they call it, "skipping school and staying home most of the time."

When I was in high school, I didn't look up to the seniors. I thought they were (largely) cliquish bastards. When I became a senior, I tried not to be like that. It must have worked, because every year of high school I was mistaken for a freshman at least once.