Monday, June 27, 2005

Cheaply produced clip post

For those of you who have forgotten or are too new to this site to remember, I used to write columns for my college newspaper. From time to time, I shamelessly pimp them here just in case Jon Stewart or somebody equally cool stumbles upon this site and decides, "Hey! Let's hire that kid!" I can dream, can't I? I don't have much else to do. Hear that, Jon? :)

Stem cells: nerves of steel (10/20/04): Depending on whom you ask, stem-cell research is either mankind’s best hope or a one-way express rocket to Hell. The stem-cell extraction process, to most people, goes like this: scientists grow fetuses in a secret lab at UC-Berkeley, assisted by a harem of hippie sluts. Babies are then extracted feet-first from the womb and positioned to allow for maximum wailing while a doctor takes a large kitchen knife and slices the fetus like an orange. After exchanging high fives, the doctors slip the remains into a meat grinder. And voila!

Yay! A column on porn! (10/6/04): For every porn-loving rapist, there are a million people who enjoy the same images and live decent lives. You're sitting next to one, if in fact that doesn't also describe you. Show me someone who has never viewed pornography and I'll show you a liar.

Veterans versus veterans (9/1/04): If you rearrange the letters in “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth,” you get “That far-r.w. beef, it rots on U.S. TV.” Makes sense, really.

Bush's selective service (3/3/04): The National Guard’s slogan is “You Can!” But if Bush’s service records prove anything, it’s that "You Don’t Have To!”

Cajun Brass 1, Cajun Music 0 (4/20/05): Another excuse given by UL officials was that the band was banned under the same provision that prevents beggars from soliciting money on campus. I suppose there’s a profound difference between bums and the credit card people who prowl campus, seducing unsuspecting freshmen with free t-shirts. To campus officials, it’s apparently more acceptable to ruin students’ credit than to expose them to the sounds that define this area.

Milk carton dictators (4/16/03): Osama bin Laden, by the way, is the leader of the terrorist faction al-Qaida and the self-proclaimed mastermind behind the plane hijackings. That was just in case anyone forgot about him, being that Bush has not mentioned his name in public since July 2002.

Bush: macho cheese (6/11/03): Believing that Bush is, or ever was, the definition of a macho fighter pilot requires the same stretch of imagination I had when I played Ghostbuster. Unfortunately for Commander Maverick, imagination is not the nation he is leading.

Make love, not headlines (11/27/02): Her name was Jennifer, and she was a drop-dead brunette beauty of 19. She was a native of Tallahassee and a freshman at Florida International University. Our attraction was as instant as it was intense. Before the sun could completely sink behind the distant edge of the water, we were in her private enclave, ready to give new meaning to Florida’s political reputation as a “swing” state.

Newsies or floozies? (2/16/05): Journalists rely on the five “W”s in order to give the best-possible information: Who? What? When? Where? Why? Given recent events, however, another “W” seems to have arisen: “whore.” By taking bribes from the subjects of their articles, several journalists have recently hurt the already scarred face of the media. Who is to blame for this trend? Yet another “W”: George Bush.

My will be done (4/6/05): If, by happenstance, I am in Florida at the onset of incapacitation, I request to be whisked away as soon as possible, preferably to a state without such an insane governor. Someplace like California.

More at the sexy site

3 comments:

The Manning Report said...

and here we go with the reruns

Flamingo Jones said...

But Ian's reruns are like Seinfeld episodes. It doesn't matter how many times you've seen 'em, they still kick ass.

Ian McGibboney said...

As long as we're all in a rerun mood, Manning, any developments on that old plagiarism accusation? I promise to devote a post to it if you do.