Thursday, May 05, 2005

Because parenting is wasted on parents

The American Family Association needs our help!

I'm smirking 'cause I love Jesus, smartass! Posted by Hello

From the ultra-sane American Family Association comes this alarming new bulletin!

Pornographers Set To Go After Children With Cell Phones

I guess that's better than going after them with knives...

Soon pornography will be available to our children over their cell phones. Playboy hopes to make their porn available to the 170 million cell phone subscribers throughout North America. No doubt scores of other pornographers will follow Playboy's lead.

Wow! Free porn? Awesome! You'd think Playboy would be a little more selective in who receives its product. Why, I remember reading once that Playboy was mad when guys were downloading pictures off their website for free. How times have changed! Who knew Hef was such a philanthropist?

An independent study by IDC revealed that 33.2% of cell phone users in America, more than 55 million, are between the ages of 5 and 19.

First off, why do ANY five-year-olds have cell phones? When I was five, I barely had pencils. And I certainly had no interest in pornography. Say what you want about kids growing up faster and faster these days; I still don't think many five-year-olds are feeling the urge.

Talk show host Paul McGuire of Los Angeles says of the Playboy effort: "…soon cell phones will open a tsunami of porn images…"

Thanks for the pungent imagery, Paul. Why not just say that the porn will ejaculate from the cell screens? Or that they will gush like an aroused woman?

He went on to say "just like the Internet, it will be hard to keep [this] sexual perversion from young people."

They'll have to find it the old-fashioned way: in magazines, on late-night TV and on the Internet. And when that is done, it will be hard. Way to preserve those old-fashioned values! (By the way, does anyone else sense that the AFA has officially given up on stopping Internet porn? The way it gushes like a tsunami, I guess they had no choice.)

We can expect our children to have pop-up ads on their cell phones pushing Playboy's pornography.

Which would mark the first time in history anyone ever celebrated pop-up ads.

Playboy says their new venture will allow more people to experience "the sexiness of the classic Playboy lifestyle." Unfortunately many of these people will be our children.

Because as I said above, Playboy is nothing but generous with its product. Why, they're just itching to give it away!

Pornographers are going after our children at a younger and younger age.

As are cell-phone providers. Will the madness never stop?!!

Contact the Federal Communications Commission and ask them to set heavy fines for pornographers who send their porn to our children.



And please forward this to your friends and family. We don't need pornographers targeting our children.

Donald E. Wildmon, Founder and Chairman
American Family Association

P.S. Please forward this e-mail message to your family and friends. Just in case you didn't read what I said five lines up.

Instead of trying to stop the distribution of these pictures (which, I might add, is a legal and legitimate business practice), might I suggest a simpler and cheaper solution for all of the concerned parents out there?

If you're so worried about your kids downloading porn on their cell phones, then DON'T BUY THEM A CELL PHONE! OR AT LEAST NOT A CELL PHONE THAT ALLOWS FOR THE VIEWING OF FANCY PIXELATED PICTURES! Any picture I downloaded on my phone would look like Super Mario Brothers, so why not get them a phone like mine? Or better yet, teach your children. Don't be so busy babysitting adults that you leave your kid neglected. Maybe then pornography wouldn't be the least of your troubles.


M said...

So I guess this means that I should cross cell phones off the list as a means of getting shrimp porn to the masses.

Flamingo Jones said...

"Why not just say that the porn will ejaculate from the cell screens? Or that they will gush like an aroused woman?"

Um...maybe because he doesn't know anything about that stuff? He's a good repressed Christian.

PusBoy said...

Centipedes in my vagina? On a cell phone?

Phillip said...

what? centipedes?

how do i get this "pornography" sent to my cell phone? i think it's smashing. simply smashing.

thehim said...

This is another great example of how technology could fix a problem, but the people most angered by the problem are also the ones most opposed to science teachers doing their jobs so that we have the ability to fix things through science. It's America in the 21st century, the only thing more abundant than porn is irony.

gambitch said...

I'm trying to use my brain here, so if I'm doing it wrong, knock me on the head.

People under 18 can't buy cellphones or pay telephone bills, as in, service providers aren't legally permitted to bill minors, right? So 10-year-old li'l Charlie, if he's carrying around a cellphone and calling his mom or 1-900-FONE-SEX, it's his mom and dad who get billed, not him, right?

Wouldn't it just make better sense if li'l Charlie's parents don't have to fret about these things at all simply by not buying him a phone?

So yeah, I'm agreeing with Ian here, blindly.

Couple of added thoughts, just to add value. I might be wrong, but I think there's some kind of cute kiddie pager-like technology of some sort developed in Japan so that parents can stay in contact with kids, or something like that. Doesn't have the full range of cellphone functionalities like picture messaging and built-in cameras, but that was never the point of the thing when they made it for parents to keep contact with kids. Does (and if it doesn't, can) America have that?

Plus, you'd think that it would still be more sensible for these guys to lobby for telcos to have age-restriction-linked filtering at the service provider's side. Like, if Charlie's parents buy 10-year-old Charlie a phone, they sign some form or something saying this line they're getting for Charlie is meant for minors, so Playboy can't push porn to Charlie's phone because his line's listed as minors-only, and so the telco will just block transmission.

Crazy ideas, all of them, sure. But it can't be that much crazier than what Don's doing.

Oh, and didn't FCC just take a setback regarding TiVo?