Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Resting on my laurels is hard work

Being that I'm really dry of both time and ideas so far this week, I will instead tantalize you with teasers from past columns that I've written. Sample at your own peril!

"Two questions I often hear are: 1) Did you hit your head a lot as a child? 2) Was U.S. Intelligence warned of strikes by al-Qaida before Sept. 11? The answer to both questions is 'Repeatedly.'" --Tomorrow’s Forecast: Terror (6/19/02)

"I am not so naïve as to believe that private gender discrimination will ever completely fade. However, women are just as capable as men in most 'masculine' endeavors, just as men can do a lot of 'feminine' things, such as cook, clean and think." --You Golf, Girl! (10/2/02)

"Isn’t it comforting to know that, following years of round-the-clock investigation and tracking, the most advanced intelligence agency in the world took two years to discover that Chong is associated with marijuana?" --Just Say No to Pots (9/24/03)

"Of course, white people do have problems. We can’t dance. We’re not cool. Vanilla Ice. That’s about it. You need a club to discuss that?" --Caucasian Crossfire (10/8/03)

"MCD goes by all sorts of different names: bovine spongiform encephalopathy, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, etc. Snore. If health officials really wanted to effectively warn people, they’d refer to it by one of its other names: scrapie!" --Your Guide to an Empty Stomach (1/21/04)

"The National Guard’s slogan is 'You Can!' But if Bush’s service records prove anything, it’s that 'You Don’t Have To!'" --Bush's Selective Service (3/3/04)

"September 2004—The Republican National Convention commences at Ground Zero in New York City. Toby Keith’s rousing opening performance of his new song, 'Real Americans Ain’t Liberal or Brown,' brings down the house. John Ashcroft leads in the Pledge of Allegiance, repeating 'Under God' 60 times before continuing with the rest of it." --I Saw the Future (and Ran Back!) (6/9/04)

"Isn’t it amazing how, theo-smackers’ arguments to the contrary, Jesus could not be the president under our Constitutional law? For one thing, the Constitution mandates that a President must be at least 35 years old. Legend has it that Jesus was 33 when he got double-crossed. Also, the president must be an American-born citizen and have lived on U.S. soil for a minimum of 14 years. Where was Jesus from, Bethlehem? Galilee? Nazareth? Steppenwolf? The Promised Land was somewhere east of America. It certainly was not in, say, Utah." --Jesus for President (6/23/04)

"So remember, citizens: machine guns are good, books are bad! With the PATRIOT Act and the lapse of the weapons ban, it’s less of a hassle to buy a TEC-9 assault pistol than it is to check out 'The History of the TEC-9 Assault Pistol.'" --"Uzi, Can You See..." (9/22/04)

"They always tell you that these are the best years of your life. What exactly is my motivation for leaving school, then? No one at the Grad Expo said, 'Enjoy your menial entry-level years! They're the best time of your life.'" --Fighting Fire with Fired (4/27/05)

There. That should keep you busy for a while.

3 comments:

oyster said...

"Scrapie" -- classic!

Ya know, this is powerful evidence of your ability to be very funny.

Press on!

Ian McGibboney said...

Thanks, oyster. It's nice to know at least one person cares at all.

Flamingo Jones said...

Don't worry Ian, I think the rest of us are all just too busy wallowing in sadness at the loss of your column.