Thursday, February 17, 2005

March of the W-Marts

Today we take a look at the latest clothing store to open at the Not Right Mega-Mart: ProGOPGear! If this is your first shopping experience with us, I highly recommend stopping by some of the numerous other shops along the way. This shop is different in that its t-shirts tell a story! So sit back and relax!

Incidentally, I apologize for the pithy size of these images. ProGOPGear is apparently hip to my methods, as larger images highlight in solid blue and thus are unable to duplicate. So squint along with me as we take this magnificent journey!

Once upon a time, the United States had a contested president named George W. Bush. For the first nine months of his presidency, Bush and his party were headed for a one-way trip to Lame-Duck Land. However, a magical event happened: the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks, in which a group of al-Qaida operatives--orchestrated by the maniacal Osama bin Laden--crashed jumbo jets into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania. After that event, which led to the death of more than 3,000 innocents, the Republican Party sprung into action behind the swift and decisive leadership of...Rudolph Giuliani, the mayor of New York City. Meanwhile, Bush languished in Shreveport and similarly unattractive targets.

Yes, the previously embattled president suddenly had an automatic license to do whatever he wanted. Even such unlikely figures as Al Gore were pounding lecterns and declaring, "George W. Bush is MY Commander-in-Chief!"

No wonder Republicans have so many kids

Why? Because as Americans, we needed our security. And in a political struggle involving the whole world, there was no room for subtleties or gray areas. In a famously stirring speech, Bush declared that, "Either you're with us, or you're against us!" His simple, unambiguous words left no doubt as to where anyone stood in the War on Terror!

"I'm a uniter, not a divider"

So we immediately started a war in Afghanistan, toppling the hated Taliban militia from power there. Our swift victory in Afghanistan led to much happiness in America, with people taking the streets and flashing peace signs in triumph. Osama bin Laden, however, escaped to live another day. Or thousands of other days, if you want to be a gloomy-gus about it.

Anyway, none of this matters, as the United States was soon about to involve itself in another adventure in the Middle East, a completely unrelated one that would show the whole world what America was all about!

No longer would we stand by idly as the rest of the world was planning things for their own country that we didn't like! No longer would the good Christian people of the United States put up with people doing things differently! No longer would the United States be perceived as "weak" or "peaceful!" Indeed, Bush went on TV in January 2003 and declared that three random nations--Iraq, Iran and North Korea--were the "Axis of Evil." When that damning accusation failed to capture the hearts of naysayers such as the insignificant world powers, France and Germany, the Republicans would later revise that Axis:

The GOP: Taking terrorism seriously since 2001

To make a long story short, Bush decided to invade Iraq. Does it matter now that the causes for the war changed on almost a daily basis? Or that no weapons of mass destruction were ever found? Or that Saddam Hussein had been sliding into irrelevance by 10 years of bombing, sanctions and internal strife? What matters is that Saddam is gone! And that the untold thousands of Iraqis and Americans maimed and/or dead was well worth the end result: a free-voting Iraq with tyranny that is IN NO WAY Saddam Hussein's doing! God Bless America for bringing our values to a nation that, beforehand, knew absolutely nothing about the value of faith, patriotism or familial bonding!

Despite a small outpouring of protest from billions worldwide, the Iraq War was considered a "great success" by the party composed of people who consider anything short of nuclear annihilation a "great success." This popularity continued unabated into 2004, when the GOP faithful chanted a very common mantra:

During the 2004 election, the major characteristics people were looking for in a leader, even more than such relevant qualities as what church they attended and how funny they looked while windsurfing, were 1) standing firm regardless of right or wrong and 2) how many miles away from intellect they regularly stayed.

Um, I think...

The Republican Convention (held near Ground Zero at New York City in order to remind people of the biggest tragedy ever to hit industrial America) intensified the burning ember that was the fervent conservative movement. The GOP felt that their message would be best exemplified by someone who shared their outrage, anger and indignation over the state of the world and who wasn't afraid to show it--a Democrat!

Good idea, Democrats!

Such bold and frank passion allowed Bush and the Republicans to post monster numbers on Nov. 2, 2004, in spite of such hurdles as a fevered opposition from John Kerry and other liberals, not to mention the failure of many electronic voting machines to deliver the state of Ohio as easily as the machines' maker promised they would. The final tally?

In a country of 220 million?

This record-setting election was settled by a very small margin of votes, hardly an unusual experience in American history. Still, never before had the self-righteousness of 51 percent of the electorate registered so high. From the GOP the country heard cries of "We won fair and square this time" and "mandate," though the latter apparently had less to do with gay marriage than poll numbers suggested.

But isn't 51 an F?

Electoral maps betrayed the thin margin of victory by showing just how many corn and cotton fields voted for George W. Bush. Indeed, so divided was the vote among cultural lines that it became evident to everyone that obviously some divine plan was involved:

Some even theorized that the division was the work of more sinister minds, intent on flanking America and grabbing it by its geographic love handles:

Where "Cold as Ice" is the national anthem!

People in the red areas were so proud of their votes that they thanked God for his divine guidance. They took this imagined order and proudly wore it on their Earthen sleeves:

I got your thanks right here...

And like never before, Americans began revering their president in ways that, as recently as late 2000, would have seemed unthinkable to them. If that isn't a sign of how Republicans have progressed over the years, then I don't know what is! In any event, Bush was now the popular new name in fashion.

And humble by the grace of God

And the country, so in love with the neoconservative agenda, put aside petty bipartisanship and showed the world what was really important in government: winning and gloating!

Elephants always leave big piles of shit

So what will the future bring from the GOP and its leader, Dubya? Well, there will be a lot of religion and kickbacks for corporate donors and other deep-pocketed friends of the Bush administration.

Hope that gift came with a receipt

Additionally, we can eagerly look forward to more of the same in 2005. After all, Bush believes in staying the course, whether that course involves war or the election. So count on more of what we saw in 2004 in 2005!

Guess 62,040,003 people CAN be wrong!

Outside of the perpetual-campaign front, there's the endless war! After all, Terror is one of those big-picture opponents, whose ideals transcend such outdated concepts as "visible enemies" and "fiscal and military restraint." We must do all we can to ensure that all terrorism ends forever, even if we have to terrorize a little ourselves to make our point!

Add a "W" and another "I" and you're close!

No matter what happens, rest assured the Republicans are steeling themselves for the inevitable moment when George W. Bush is no longer fit to serve the nation. Though several candidates are already vying for the post (and thus have shirts calling for their candidacies by excited fans), one name sticks out for its venerability and its unbreakable association with the hardships of war:

Did Bush approve this message?

The moral of this story is to relax. You're in good hands in all states. Unless you live on the east or west perimeter. Then you're next, buddy. Bring it on!


Nick said...


I think that map showing the counties that voted for G.W. vs. Kerry should show all you need. The people in your party who align w/ the far left wing are out of touch w/ the rest of the country and will continue to lose elections. Look, had Lieberman or Clark won the nomination, Bush would probably not be the president today. However, you and your wing cast those nominations to the side, much to our liking. Please, keep pushing your party farther to the left. That way, I can vote for Constitution Party for '08 w/ out giving yall the election.

Ian McGibboney said...

Nick, thank you for posting. I was beginning to think this thread was poison.

The county map of electoral votes is one of the easiest conservative urban-legends to debunk. After all, land does not vote. Alaska and Texas are the two largest states in the union, yet they combined have fewer electoral votes than California. Why? Because more people live in California! That wide swath of land, affectionately nicknamed "the heartland," is in reality a gigantic spread of three-electoral-vote states whose primary residents are dirt and rocks. Now if you want to look at the electoral map from a population perspective, then you'll see that Bush got trounced in most places with lots of people. The huge blot of red means nothing if nothing is there.