Sunday, January 16, 2005

What’s the Counterpoint? (Deluxe Edition)

My latest column has what none of the others have had before it: bonus material!

What you're about to see is what you get when you add one part columnist with two parts MacGyver. To wit: I really needed a column for next Wednesday's Vermilion, and time was running out. One problem: I was in Baton Rouge at a track gig all day without access to a computer or even decent paper (yes, I was at LSU). Solution: Inspired by this post on Strong and Right, I scrawled all I could on napkins I had gotten with my frozen strawberry lemonade:


Hey, it worked for the Bible and the Constitution! Posted by Hello

Receipts I had from the night before (Azteca's Mexican Cafe and Starbucks) also came in handy.


One day, this receipt will be worth money, and I'll be able to buy another hot chocolate Posted by Hello

Compare the notes with the final product and you can see my tendency to spontaneously change entire portions. Writing is funny business. Anyway, here's the column:

What's the Counterpoint?

Throughout three years of writing this column, I’ve been accused of having a liberal bias. So in an attempt to be more Fair and Balanced™, I’ve prepared a handy reference guide for the conservative who needs quick rebuttals to common liberal talking points. These responses, which I’ve culled from years of personal experience, are guaranteed to leave liberals absolutely speechless!

For the most realistic effect, I have arranged this guide in the form of a standard political dialogue in the year 2005, minus the screaming and bloodletting. And now, How to Rebut a Liberal (If You Must):

Liberal: “In order to have peace, America must pursue a less-aggressive foreign policy, embrace its allies and favor diplomacy as a means of negotiation.”

You: “You must really hate America, don’t you?”

Liberal: “No, I love America. But we must honestly appraise ourselves. For example, we should address the glaring lack of adequate resources for our soldiers overseas, who already face pay cuts and unexpected extensions in deployments.”

You: “And just what do you have against our soldiers?”

Liberal: “Nothing, but our nation must reevaluate its new policy of preemptive strikes on sovereign nations. We can’t just attack other countries because we don’t like their policies.”

You: “Sure! Blame America first, traitor!”

Liberal: “Well, we DID attack Iraq, even though they had nothing to do with 9/11.”

You: “But obviously they did. Why else would we have attacked them?”

Ouch. At this point, you’re already on your way to thrashing your opponent’s arguments like shrapnel on a dead terrorist. But there’s still so much damage to be done!

Liberal: “Why did the 9/11 Commission take so long to investigate the largest intelligence failure in history, when the FCC took less than 24 hours to launch a full-throttle investigation into Janet Jackson’s ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the Super Bowl?”

You: “Won’t anyone think of the children?”

Liberal: “I think of everyone who is alive and whose lives can be made better. Stem-cell research, for example, promises to open up treatments for catastrophic ailments such as Alzheimer’s and paralysis.”

You: “Fixing lives with stem cells? That’s not pro-life!”

Liberal: “I fully believe in the ability of women to make their own decisions on pregnancy, based on their own conditions of life and their personal beliefs.”

You: “Choices are for school vouchers! Life is sacred!”

Liberal: “But I bet you favor the death penalty.”

You: “Kill the bastards! If they broke the law, then they deserve to be punished to its fullest extent!”

Liberal: “That’s not what you said when Rush Limbaugh got busted for drugs.”

You: “The man was sick! Everyone deserves a second chance!”

Liberal: “ESPN didn’t think so after firing him for his racist remark about black quarterbacks.”

You: “The media always dumps on conservative types.”

Liberal: “The media is full of conservatives parroting false news.”

You: “Dan Rather! Dan Rather! Dan Rather!”

Liberal: “Though Rather did get the memos wrong, his question about George W. Bush’s military records still remains.”

You: “You’re just out to get the president at any cost!”

Take particular note of that last statement. It is the “I love you” of conservative discourse. It can elicit sympathy and guilt or can end a difficult conversation on a high note. It is particularly useful when rebutting critics of any aspect of the Bush presidency:

Liberal: “The Crawford ranch could use a paint job.”

You: “You’re just out to get the president at any cost!”

Remember this guide and you will survive any liberal-elite wine party or college class. Arguing a conservative viewpoint really is easier than you might imagine; you could even say that it’s quite…simple.

5 comments:

Phillip said...

Loved the article Ian, I read it twice. Your Ann Coulter reference didn't go unnoticed either - hopefully she won't sue.

Ian McGibboney said...

I made a reference to Ann Coulter?

Seriously, thanks, phizz. I'm happy you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun writing it.

Phillip said...

Yeah, the "How to Rebut a Liberal (If You Must):" thing. Wasn't her book called How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must)?

ThomasMcCay said...

You guys must hate Amaricah or som'thin'. Bunch of ingarnt pinkos. (Thoughtful and intellectually stimulating sexual innuendo deleted.) :)

Hey Ian, the paper place mats thoughtfully provided by restaurants are the scribblers friend. Cheap, big, and easy to fold to breast pocket size

Ian McGibboney said...

Phizz, what you read was a literary device designed for readers to ironically and humorously recall a current popular reference. That, of course, is known as "plagiarism."