Monday, January 10, 2005

Profiles in Business 2005

Local abortion clinic offers safe, fun environment

Dr. Crane (inset) drives to work in his 2003 Chrysler Crossfire, a really cool car he purchased "with the warm blood of countless unborn children."

LAFAYETTE, LA--In this age of the unreliable economy, reports abound of unemployment, stock-market crashes, business closings and personal economic wipeouts. Within the sweeping tide of bad news, however, pockets of positive business forecasts often get overlooked. In an attempt to bring good news back to the business page, this report focuses on one business that has weathered the storm of economic upheaval: abortion.

To what can the ever-strong profession of pregnancy termination be credited? Matthew Crane, head physician at the Lafayette-based Wade Center for Abortion, attributed the steady rate of business to numerous factors.

"Historically, the termination of undesired embryos has transcended the state of the economy, simply because accidental fertilization can happen at any time," Crane said. "Because of this, abortionists are pretty much guaranteed brisk business. Very few industries can make this claim. When was the last time you ever heard of a bunch of abortion doctors getting laid off, huh? I have to admit, it's a pretty sweet deal. "

Another primary factor in the thriving trade at the Wade Center for Abortions, Crane said, is the comfortable business environment in which he has worked hard to foster. Crane, a 1983 graduate of McCorvey Abortion College, established WCA in 1995 as “a haven for safe, clean and family-friendly abortion fun.” Since then, his efforts have rocketed WCA to the top of the termination charts.

"Abortion is not always the most pleasant of experiences, even for the most hardcore termination aficionados," Crane explained. "What we try to do here at WCA is set up a comfortable environment in which a woman can end undesired gestation in comfort and peace. Our feedback record reflects our success in this area. Indeed, our clients often tell us that their toughest question is, 'Should I carry through this pregnancy or should I take advantage of all of the awesome amenities WCA offers?' Such is a tough choice for even the strongest woman. But in the end, the choice is clear."


Above: Crane and junior intern Michael Lassiter of Wade Center for Abortion celebrate another awesome procedure.

Crane credited favorable political conditions for his improved service and increased clientele. He offered unconditional praise for George W. Bush, calling him "an abortionist's best friend." The president's policies, he said, have contributed greatly to the continued clout of WCA.

"It's true that a lot of businesses are struggling, what with the wars overseas and outsourcing all around," Crane said. "But in every dark cloud lies a silver lining, right? For example, President Bush's tax cuts have not only helped my business grow, but have apparently helped a lot of young parents. Ever since those tax cuts took effect, I have had more requests for abortions than ever."

Additionally, Crane thanked Bush for not supporting gay marriage, which he called "an affront to everything that I hold dear, both as an American and as an abortion provider."

Crane’s passion for his job—and his country—extends to his patients. Several WCA clients credited Crane with helping make a difficult decision easier. Danielle Townley, now a 24-year-old college sophomore, admitted that she was initially frightened about the situation she found herself in at the tender age of 19.

"When my boyfriend Brad knocked me up, I didn't know if I'd be able to support myself, much less a child," Townley recalled. "Brad had left town as fast as his ATV would carry him, making the decision all that much harder. After speaking with my parents, my doctor and my priest, I came to the conclusion that what I needed was to have the baby. I also deserved to hate myself.

"But then I saw an ad in the newspaper for 'Christian pregnancy counseling.' Here in Louisiana, that's often code for an abortion clinic. But I went anyway, and from that moment Dr. Crane made me feel like I was the most important pregnant woman in the room. After touring his fabulous facility and meeting the helpful and eager staff, I was just dying for an abortion!"

Townley added that she had so much fun at WCA that she got pregnant four more times just so she could return to the clinic. "I think every woman should have at least one abortion," she said. "Abortions are so much fun! It's such a bonding experience to share something so life-changing with a professional who cares about you. Sometimes, that's all that someone like me needs."

Despite the utopian atmosphere of WCA, Crane concedes that he is not immune from criticism. “Not a day goes by when I catch heat from someone for my choice of career,” he said. “They allege that I’m in the killing business. My reply to them is always, ‘So what did you eat for lunch today? Whatever it is, I’m sure it was dead.’ That usually takes the words right out of their mouth. I derive daily happiness from giving women the ultimate pleasure: abortion. What’s so wrong with someone enjoying their job? Isn’t that the American dream?”

One of Crane’s most outspoken critics is pro-life advocate Derrick Yates. Along with their 17 children, the Yates family pickets WCA each day, holding aloft signs reading “It’s a child, not a career” and “Crane enjoys his job way too much.”

“From the very first moment we saw this death center, we knew that it was a travesty in the eyes of the Almighty God,” Yates said. “But the last straw was watching Crane seemingly enjoy the job. I mean, I’m all for free-market capitalism and all, but some people are just too good at business to understand the meaning of life.” He then paused to tousle the hair of one of his many sons and to command his wife, April, to approach him. “Crane would be so much happier if he would partake in the holy and sacred act of breeding himself. What is more beautiful in life than bringing a new baby into this world? I can’t think of anything.”

After pausing for a moment, Yates added, “Did I mention that I’m a total pimp?”

But Crane is not deterred by such criticism. "I always say that if someone has something bad to say about you, then you must be doing something right. I deal in choice, and what is more American than being in control of your own destiny? I’m sure in control of mine. And business is booming!”

19 comments:

The Manning Report said...

Whats the name of the guy in the WCA high school jacket.

Joe said...

Now that has something to offend everone!

Ian McGibboney said...

I'm going for the record, Joe.

Manning, just know that his name is not Michael Lassiter.

Ragin Cajun said...

Are you high? What was the point of this garbage? Was this supposed to be funny or just immeasurably offensive? You should throw in some tsunami victim jokes in your next post. Or maybe you could do a spoof story on "Six Flags Auschwitz." No wait, I've got it. Do the same story only the guy is a vet killing puppies. People who advocate killing babies are generally more sympathetic towards puppies (I think). If your only goal was to offend, you scored a 10 with me. Congratulations, your classless ignorance knows no bounds.

Ian McGibboney said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ian McGibboney said...

RC, you really seemed to enjoy tearing me down. Well, you'll be happy to know that my efforts to do something provocative and original have died. I don't feel like doing this anymore.

Nick said...

Hey Icon:

I got the point of your satire, but I do think it was just something that shouldn't be satiracle (not sure if that's even a word). In your post before it, you put up some conservative bumper stickers that you thought were ridiculous or rude. You had one that read, "My SUV loves stolen Iraqi oil." That sticker, in my opinion, shows the worst of some conservatives. I don't find it funny or cute to have a sticker such as that because I think it would be a tradgedy and war crime to have our troops dying just to steal oil. And, having said that, I just felt like you stooped to that level in the satire about abortions clinics. Just my two cents.

As a side note: I had to read that post a bit. At first, I thought it was a recent article in the Advertiser about a local doctor who runs an abortion clinic. I could feel anger towards The Advertiser building until I kept reading and realized you were just trying to be a smart ass.

Ian McGibboney said...

I'm just pissed because I spent four hours doing that, and then people tell me it's too rough. It hurts. It fucking hurts. Writing is the only skill I have (having failed at virtually everything else I've ever tried), and then to have people tear it down just makes it not worth it. Don't worry, you'll never see it again. It's done.

The Manning Report said...

Was the WCA jacket his? if not who did you get it from?

Ian McGibboney said...

It was his. It's an actual picture I have that I altered without his knowledge. Like everyone else on the planet, he would not have approved of the change.

Flamingo Jones said...

I can't believe I missed it!

Ian, as one of my favorite professors used to tell me every time I wrote my way into hot water: "Well, you're one step closer to being Jonathan Swift."

With the popularity of The Onion and The Daily Show, people are a lot quicker to jump to the conclusion that "satire" always = "funny." That couldn't be further from the truth. Throughout history, the best satire has been biting. It has been misunderstood. It has been crude. It has generally been hated by a lot of people.

From the nature of the comments here, it sounds to me as if your post elicited a very similar reaction to the way folks felt about "A Modest Proposal" :

"The satirical intent of A Modest Proposal was misunderstood by many of Swift's peers, and he was harshly criticized for writing prose in such exceptionally "bad taste". He was close to losing his patron because of this essay. Misunderstanding of the object of satirical attack came about because of the disparity between the cannibalistic proposal and the sincere tone of the narrative voice." That's a pretty good compliment, I'd say.

Ian McGibboney said...

It's back for your enjoyment, Flamingo. I guess that makes me a flip-flopper, huh?

Flamingo Jones said...

I knew it had to be pretty damn good to get that kind of reaction. And it is! Thanks for putting it back up, I'd hate to have missed that.

Phillip said...

Jones is right Ian. Any response you elicit from writing on a blog, especially since exposure isn't what it would be in a highly-circulated publication, is a good sign.

oyster said...

After pausing for a moment, Yates added, "Did I mention that I’m a total pimp?"

That's just funny, and nevermind if it's tasteless or offensive to some... they're probably the same ones who complain about excessive political correctness.

It's called scathing satire, folks. If you dislike it, then don't read it.

I'm glad you put the post back up, Ian (especially since I missed it the first time.)

Hell, Ann Coulter talked about how electing Dems would be a boon to the "emergency services" and "body bags" industries... why not play along?

The Manning Report said...

Are you sure his name is Michael Lassiter cause I think its Michael Pierce.

I really didn't care if the article stayed up or down. I saw that it was a kind of humor, didnt really matter to me. Why dont you try putting that in the Vermillion, then you could get some real response. Go out with a bang. You may even generate some regional news coverage. Get on the Oreilly Factor and Hannity and Colmes. Then get hired by the New York Times.

Ian McGibboney said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ian McGibboney said...

I try not to divulge identities of unwitting subjects of my satirical pieces.

ThomasMcCay said...

Ian, Upsetting dumb M Fs is part of your job description. Besides, it is a good piece.