Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Beating around the Bushes

The GOP showcases the flawless Bush family. And Arnie.

NEW YORK (NRAA)--The Republicans continued their prime-time parade of moderates tonight at the 2004 RNC. Here are some of the highlights, if you can call them that:

Ah-nuld vaz great, as we all expected. He was particularly exciting at the end of his speech when, standing against a blood-red backdrop, he led a chant of "Four moa yeas! Four moa yeas!" as delegates pumped their fists. It was very tasteful. Nothing at all Nazi about that. The monotone-macho way in which Arnold led the cheer reminded me of an early episode of "King of the Hill," when Hank, Bill, Dale and Boomhauer take the deserted streets on Halloween (in protest of the Bible-thumpers who have banned trick-or-treat) and chant, "Trick. Or. Treat. Trick. Or. Treat."

The best moment of the Arnold speech was when CBS splashed his name on the screen: "Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, (R) California." It looked like one of those fabricated clips that they used to show in the "RoboCop" movies and TV show to lampoon the future. Yet, here he is! In reality! Creepy...

I put da FREEZE on Gray Davis! Posted by Hello

The Bush twins, Jenna and Barbara, looked and sounded very hot as usual, but their routine was ICE COLD. I genuinely couldn't tell if was scripted or ad-libbed (I veered heavily toward ad-libbed, but then I noticed Barbara bumble a line and start it over like a telemarketer losing her place). I did, however, enjoy the fact that the Bush twins seem a little antagonistic toward their elders. Didn't there seem to be a very real friction subtext beneath the good-natured ribbings?

To Barbara the grandmother: "She...is...not hip! She thinks 'Sex and the City' is something you do behind closed doors." Barbara then leaned over to George Sr. as if to ask, "Well, what else is it?"

About their parents: "They have affectionate nicknames for each other: Bushie!"

At least the parents and grandparents took it well. I guess they're used to that sort of thing by now. Hell, the twins even made fun of themselves, something that actually shocked me. Overall, they didn't seem comfortable in their own skins. (Insert your own pick-up line here.)

The First Twins Posted by Hello

The George Double-U we saw tonight was really in his element. Then again, he's always liked softball, dressing in denim and having very little to say. Like with his daughters, I couldn't tell if he was off-the-cuff, being that he managed to keep the sputtering to a minimum (two parts per phrase instead of the usual five). So I don't know. He introduced his wife, Laura "The Lucky Librarian" Bush, by saying that she has been making him happy ever since she first said "Yes" back in the day. Which made me wonder if she ever made him happy before that, and if not, why he would have bothered proposing to her.

She looked better than this Posted by Hello

Laura Bush then walked on stage, ahead of her cue, and delivered what Dan Rather would ambiguously call "a barn-burner of a speech." Laura offered some of the best tidbits of the night, [mostly exact] quotes I hope will spread like a bad rash through the blogosphere. Judging by some of the things she said, I suspect that Laura's speech wasn't vetted by the GOP. Would they really have let her say these things in public? I mean, check out the ambiguity!

On Medicare: "We've done it." Spoken like a true mobster.

On the Constitution: "Our founding fathers gave us this perfect document. It took us 100 years to remove slavery, and 84 years ago today, women got the right to vote." Compare her second sentence to the first. Perfect, eh?

Laura Bush also waxed philosophical on the rigors and heartache of war:

On a man whose wife is fighting in Iraq: "He ruined three loads of laundry and learned that, once something bleeds pink, it stays pink."

After mentioning a letter she received from a U.S. soldier in Iraq: "We learned some lessons we didn't want to know."

On her husband's battle experiences: "I've seen him return salutes to soldiers ruined in battle."

Said right after talking about soldiers away from home: "Our daughters came home from school, and I'm so glad they're home with me."

On experiencing, firsthand, the tragedy of loss in wartime: "We lost our dog, Spot, but Barney still keeps us entertained."

On better days: "A better day is before us." [I'd have to agree with her on that one.]

Finally, Laura closed by riffing on her husband George Dubya: "He's still the same man I met at a backyard barbecue in Midland, Texas."

Not too difficult to believe, really. Posted by Hello

As for the crowd? Well, it was diverse, apparently.


Rocco DiPippo said...

I'm in NY. The experience is surreal. Check out my blog or send me your email address for private correspondence. This thing is a trip..........

oyster said...

You get bonus points for the "ICE COLD" reference.

Jimmy Huck said...

Best and Funniest Reporting on the GOP Convention yet!