Here's the latest in my ongoing effort to bring out the real and desperate face of conservatism, circa summer 2004:
At my favorite hangout IMAO, they were going absolutely orgasmic over the picture of John Kerry in that silly green suit. Of course, the 126 comments there were the educated observations you would expect of such a fine conservative bastion. Pay particular note to the repeated references to colons, condoms and sperm (and, as always, the piss-poor spelling and grammar is untouched):
"Tuh-ray-zuh, i'm wearing my cute little PJs with the flap in the back..."
"Kerry dons an over-sized prophylactic, and gives a dramatic reenactment of how his little willie made him big millionare!"
"Kerry gets down on hands and knees, and demonstrates his "position" on foreign policy. He wears protective garments, so that "those UN guys don't get me all sloppy".
"Plaqued with questions about his manhood, democratic challenger John Kerry tours an oversized model uterus dressed as a sperm"
"John Kerry, what a homo."
"Nothing says Effiminate Douchebag like the latest in French jumpsuit fashion."
"Hey, what am I doing in Michael Moore's small intestine?"
"In Style News today, Senator Kerry, who served in Vietnam, models the latest in official DNC convention wear: color-coordinated prophylactic apparel designed to cleverly hide those unsightly liberal-moonbat circumcision scars."
"John Kerry suits up in preparation for Michael Moore's yearly cleansing"
"The Klingon can stay, but the leftist in the sperm suit has got to go!"
"The problem here was that the U-joints weren't greased enough, plus there was this (holds up Skeleton of Whole Moose) stuck in the Exsauhst, other than that Mr. Moore should be good for another 3,000 miles."
"No. Really. It's just this suit - I'm not an actual dickhead!"
"What? You found that in my colonoscopy?"
"I made a poopie...tee...hee...hee."
"John Kerry emerges from the exam room after performing a visual self-colonoscopy."
"Umpa, umpa, umpa di do, Michael Moore has another poopie for you."
"BikerMommy: instestinal virus! I love that! That is so right on, and not just for the picture! A virus is intrusive, vile, painful, untreatable, nauseating, and it cleans you out. Bravo!"
"The suppository goes in which way?"
"Hoping to gain the support of women voters, John Kerry dons his sperm suit."
"Mission accomplished! I stopped up the drain hole so they can't flush the Johns now!!"
"I made a poopie...tee...hee...hee."
"Turns out, it's not very funny at all when you fart in a spacesuit."
"ya know, seeing that big, dorky smile on his face it make one wonder where exactly that big white hose behind him leads to..."
"Wow, Michael Moore's rectum is REALLY big......."
"Kerry "When I was fighting in Vietnam, we didn't have the full-body condom like the one I'm demonstrating..as a matter of fact..what THE?? Glenn??? What are you doing back there?? Get offa me!"
"Poor 3 eyed mutant Bass Turd."
Of course, you just KNOW I had something to say…
Yeah, go ahead, attack his outfit! After all, your president knows better than to dress up in silly costumes (like, say, flight suits) and strut around...
Stick to the issues. Oh, wait, you can't...
Posted by Ian McGibboney at July 29, 2004 01:53 AM
Somewhere down the line, in between the John Kerry poopie jokes and the Michael Moore colon obsession, a few people called out the lone party pooper:
Dear Ian McGibboney,
Sure, I can stick to the issues. For example, just now I had this nearly uncontrollable urge to call you Ian McGibbon, but I didn't.
Posted by Paul at July 29, 2004 11:22 AM
Ian McGibbon-face,(see what I did there?)
It's probably not a good idea to come to a site with opposing views, and challenge them on what they're saying. Like, I just went to your website, totally not expecting it to have any logic or make any sense or be good at all, and you didn't let me down. I didn't go there and say, hey mr. dude, how about some actual facts here? Or how about you find out what the issues are so you can stick to them? So....IMAO is probably not the place for you....muckadoos...erm they're all the same.... In closing, righties rule, lefties drool.
(See what I did there?? Threw in a little french to confuse him...LOL)
Posted by Jen at July 29, 2004 04:17 PM
Inspired by this oh-so-hilarious-and-inspirational political exchange, these people were courteous enough to visit my site! Not that they’d bother to, you know, tell me.
Jen, he admits at the top of his page that he's "not right about anything." At least he realizes it.
Posted by beo at July 29, 2004 04:36 PM
A common thread in IMAO posts is the propensity for major butt-kissing of the almighty god of the site, some guy named Frank. Many of the posts are of the “I humbly send this in for your consideration” strain. Apparently Big Frank’s standards allow only for the truth, for my favorite post of the whole thread shows a lot of inherent truth about conservatives in 2004:
And I see there was a muckadoo here earlier asking you to stick to the issues.... Someone needs to teach these muckadoos to respect their betters. LOL
Posted by Jen at July 29, 2004 01:28 PM
Just for fun, let’s dissect this comment:
1) “And I see there was a muckadoo…”
What the hell is a “muckadoo?”
2) “…here earlier asking you to stick to the issues....we're REPUBLICANS.”
Oops, my bad then…
3) “we're REPUBLICANS. We can do whatever we wanna.”
Yes you can. And you do. Which is why you make Kerry in his space suit look studly.
4) “Someone needs to teach these muckadoos to respect their betters.”
Their betters? The GOP? To that I have to say:
So the wingnuts on the right are name-calling, self-righteous, childish, issue-less morons hiding behind untraceable pseudonyms? Is this even news anymore? Rock the vote!!