Monday, July 19, 2004

Daily dispatches

Here's a look at some of the stories are changing our world, courtesy of the Polite Press and the Wire of United States Stories:
 
Viewer discretion advised
 
LOS ANGELES (PP)-- The Movie Channel advised parental discretion for the Kate Hudson movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" just prior to its 8 p.m. showing Monday.
 
"The following movie is rated PG-13," an announcer said just before the feature presentation. "It contains adult language and adult content. Viewer discretion is advised."
 
This marks the first advisory of viewer discretion since the network's showing of "Rob Roy" at 5:30 p.m.
 
Seventies-music lover prefers eighties pussy
 
SEATTLE (WUSS)--Rick Cole, a self-described "seventies-music fanatic," is also into eighties pussy, the 37-year-old mechanic declared Sunday.
 
"Yes, I'm hugely into [Bruce] Springsteen, Foghat, Blue Oyster Cult, Led Zeppelin, Lynyrd Skynyrd and BTO," Cole said. "Not to mention the Jackson Five, Diana Ross, Parliament-Funkadelic and even Donna Summer. My musical taste runs all over the map.
 
"And have you checked out that Jessica Biel?" Cole asked, referring to the 22-year-old former star of the TV series "7th-Heaven." "Not only is she hot and a great young actress, I heard that she even plays soccer at the college she attends. What else could a guy want?"
 
Cole expressed similar affinity for a long list of 1980s pussy. "Let's see, there's Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, the Bush twins and too many others to count. Yep, just like the 1970s rocked for music, so did the 1980s rock for pussy."
 
Cole recalled that his favorite concert experience was catching the Grateful Dead in California in the late 1970s.
 
"Man, that Dead concert was a blast," Cole remembered. "A bunch of us dudes got together and drove all the way to Sacramento on impulse. That concert was the best ever. Not just a concert, but a life-changing event, you know?"
 
Another date that Cole remembered with fondness was June 13, 2004.
 
"That was the day the Olsen twins finally became legal," he said. "Man, I tell you, eighties pussy is the greatest!"
 
Garfield killed by jealous Heathcliff
 
MUNCIE, IND. (PP)--Garfield, the orange cat known worldwide for his long-running series of mischief and misadventures, was killed Sunday night at the hands of Heathcliff.
 
According to Muncie police reports, owner Jon Arbuckle found Garfield, 26, face-down in the pup tent he had used as a bed.
 
"I passed by Garfield's pup tent and he was motionless and swaddled in his bedsheets," Arbuckle said. "Being that this is far from unusual, I went on and continued my day. When he failed to respond to the aroma of the lasagna I was cooking him for lunch, however, then I became alarmed."
 
According to coroners, Garfield's official cause of death was listed as acute suffocation. A plastic grocery bag had been finagled onto his face without any evidence of foul play.
 
"The manner in which the plastic bag was affixed to the victim's head immediately caused us to suspect Heathcliff," said Joseph Winkle, Muncie chief of police. "In order to accomplish that with so little interference, the assailant would have had to either be very quiet or have somehow convinced Garfield that there were groceries in the bag. Heathcliff knew that while no one should terrorize their neighborhood, he would not be outdone, playing pranks on everyone."
 
Winkle further noted that Garfield had long been the target of Heathcliff, 31.
 
"From 1973 to 1978, Heathcliff ruled over the orange-cat comics sphere," explained . "With Garfield's birth in 1978, however, the tide began to turn and Heathcliff presumably became jealous."
 
While Heathcliff was the first to have his own cartoon show, in 1980, it sputtered through several incarnations and lacked the consistent success that "Garfield and Friends" enjoyed during the late 1980s and early 1990s. While both cats' strips continue in print to this day, Heathcliff never sustained the continued pop-culture presence of his victim.
 
Garfield creator Jim Davis, Heathcliff cartoonist George Gately, Riff Raff and Odie were all unavailable for comment.

4 comments:

Nick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nick said...

My post has been removed??!! You are oppressing my 1st Amendment rights!! Actually...I'm glad to see you removed it...seems we actually agree on something real, certain language and references should note be made. Tell that to Woopie Goldberg.

However, by that way, I only repeat the language of the title of the article you posted. Makes one think....

Nick said...

Ment to say certain laguages and references should "not" be made, sorry, no spell check, plus I slept through my English classes. My mom and maw-maw (both English teachers) would be so ashamed.

Ian McGibboney said...

Um, Nick, actually it says YOU removed the message. You probably hit the trash can icon by mistake. I never remove comments, especially not for something as trivial as language. I'm no pussy when it comes to bad language. In fact, I liked your post, and thanks to the miracle of e-mail, I will repost it right here:

"Amen.
70's Rock kicks major ass, unlike this new rock they now call music these days.

80's pussy...of course. Most 70's would be a bit too old for me, with the exception of '76-79, like that ESA coach chick, you know what I mean. And anything in the 90's would be illegal and just down right sick. For once, you post something that makes sense."

Aside from that last comment, nothing here is shocking.