Next Wednesday's column, today...
Could anyone have imagined three years ago that we’d be where we are now? Well, just me and about 200 million other Americans. This year’s election cycle looks to be just as predictable. As crusty old Aunt Gertrude used to say to the Hardy Boys, “Mark my words!”
June 2004—Turncoat Democrats Zell Miller and Joe Lieberman form a group called Baffled Americans Concerned Kerry’s Status Takes Away Believability. BACKSTAB is a coalition of Democrats who not only oppose John Kerry, but also actively seek out his death so that the Republicans win for at least the next 16 years. They intend to do this, Lieberman says, “For the health of the Democratic Party.”
July 2004--Amid much infighting, the Democratic National Convention kicks off in Boston. Final toll: 26 dead, 164 injured. Kerry, the last one standing, accepts the nomination.
August 2004—A Kerry advocacy group begins selling t-shirts with the infamous Abu Ghraib prison snapshots with “BUSH 2004—FOUR MORE WARS!” superimposed over them. The shirts, intended for Kerry supporters, nevertheless sell out with Republicans who are even prouder to wear them.
September 2004—The Republican National Convention commences at Ground Zero in New York City. Toby Keith’s rousing opening performance of his new song, “Real Americans Ain’t Liberal or Brown,” brings down the house. John Ashcroft leads in the Pledge of Allegiance, repeating “Under God” 60 times before continuing with the rest of it.
Keynote speaker Karl Rove, standing at a lectern made from beams of the World Trade Center and with several New York firemen standing beside him, decries the Democrats for politicizing 9/11.
George W. Bush wins the nomination in a unanimous delegate vote. In his acceptance speech, he speaks of wanting “the world to come together in the ever-lasting crusade against terror,” though the words don’t necessarily come out in that order.
October 2004—The third and final presidential debate pits a knowledgeable and relaxed Kerry against a smirking, hysterical Bush. Though Bush’s comments consist almost entirely of creative combinations of the words “terror,” “nuclear,” “fear,” “tax” and “cut,” he is considered to have won the debate. Analysts say Bush’s down-home folksy demeanor was a refreshing contrast to Kerry’s “superior intelligence and snobbishly correct pronunciations.”
10/28/04—Simultaneous poll results from Gallup, Zogby, the Associated Press, the New York Times and ABC show Kerry ahead of Bush by between 85 and 90 percentage points.
10/29/04—Matt Drudge reports that sources close to the janitors at the Pentagon might have heard something about them saying that Donald Rumsfeld is hinting that rebels supposedly caught Osama bin Laden. But he isn’t sure if that’s what he heard.
Ten minutes later—Fox News crawl: “DRUDGE REPORTS BIN LADEN CAUGHT! PRAISE BUSH!”
10/30/04—October surprise! As it turns out, bin Laden’s been in custody of the Israeli Army since October 2001, but Cheney ordered them to hold him until the election. When this is discovered, Cheney is praised for his tough leadership.
10/31/04—God pays a surprise visit to “The O’Reilly Factor,” telling host Bill O’Reilly that under no circumstances should anyone vote for Bush. Viewers take this as a test of faith, and Bush climbs in popularity.
11/1/04—After months of careful and thoughtful consideration, Fox News endorses Bush for president.
11/2/04—George W. Bush wins the election with 17 percent of the popular vote. Kerry comes in second with 81 percent. The steep spike in Bush’s votes is credited to the capture of bin Laden and God’s non-endorsement.
11/3/04—Bush declares a permanent state of Armageddon, offsetting the need for his second inauguration or any future inaugurations.