Monday, November 24, 2014

Revised Saints prediction, part IX


(Last week: 6-10)

Once again, I'm writing this before the game is over. Because, really, it's all over.

This Saints team won't win another game this year. With everything that's happened to them, I almost believe it's divine intervention at the hand of a particularly cruel deity.

Even with the astounding amount of injuries, I thought they had a shot against the Ravens. After all, Drew Brees had a chance to beat the last team he hasn't beaten, and it was Monday Night Football, and milestones and prime time are two of his best motivators. Alas, Baltimore had them beat in every phase, in a way that infuriated me. It's always infuriating to see the ones you support completely dominated, especially when it's by swaggering jerks.

To say nothing of the Saints' ineptitude in general. And don't even get me started on the bent officiating. Or that the terrible Ferguson decision was issued during the game. What a miserable night. Not that the two events are even remotely equivalent, but my faith in just about everything died a little more tonight. 

The worst part, football-wise, is that there are several weeks left in the season. After three straight losses at home, I don't think there's anything the Saints can do right. Like I said early in the season, there's something wrong with this team that's deeper than what's happening on the field. I'm not sure what the answer is, apart from a lot of turnover in the offseason.

It's only through the bizarre ineptitude of the entire NFC South that the Saints weren't eliminated from playoff contention long ago. But they will be soon enough. There's nothing left. 

What a shame. What a waste.

Other NFL divisions

NFC Midwest

The perennial winner? Casserole.

AFC Deep South

Blames the NFC Deep South for all of its problems.

NFC Pacific Northwest

The uniforms are breathtaking, but the play is depressing.

AFC New England

Its teams came over on Mayflower trucks.

NFC New York

It’s proud to kick your division’s ass, at least theoretically.

AFC North Dakota

Work is work.

NFC South Carolina

Flies a Redskins flag specifically to offend.

AFC Least

Gives other teams teams to beat.

NFC West Coast

Where games don’t start way too early, ahem!

AFC Middle East

Still a less-hazardous locale than any football field.

NFC Siberia

Every game is rescheduled to Detroit every week.

AFC Insufferable

Consists of the respective fan bases of the Patriots, the Cowboys, the Eagles and the Seahawks (the latter subbing in until the Raiders stop being sad).

NFC Hipster

Insists the NFL hasn’t been cool since facemasks became a thing.

AFC Obama

Mocked relentlessly by the NFC No.

NFC More Butts

Winner of the “Fan names a division” contest on Twitter.

AFC Extra Crispy

It’s only a matter of time before the league gets this corporate.

North & South on AMC

A classic miniseries starring Kirstie Alley and Patrick Swayze!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Trailer review: Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas stars Kirk Cameron as Kirk Cameron, and also stars a man named Christian (Darren Doane), who isn’t sure he likes what Christmas has become. While hosting a party in his massive, mall-like mansion, Christian decries the materialism of Christmas and all the holiday trappings that everyone is having the time of their lives enjoying.

“This ... is not ... what Christmas is all about,” Christian laments to Kirk Cameron, after both have retired to Christian’s car, because apparently that’s more Christmas.

Christian then rattles off several true facts about the pagan origins of many Christmas symbols, and why those facts bum him out so much.

“Newsflash! Not in the Bible!” he says, either about his car or about Christmas trees.

Kirk Cameron then sets Christian straight — not on how cool it is that all major religions and nonreligions have observances during the winter solstice, so maybe we’re all one and the same after all, but on how all of that is garbage and everything is all Christianity, even if it doesn't seem like it and isn't.

A slow-motion vignette about the nativity follows, where nothing gets said and baby Jesus is represented by a cloth, and it totally works, you guys. Christian is SO rapturously convinced that he immediately becomes the life of the party, happy to see his family, friends, tree, presents and (presumably) peppermint bark through the aperture of Kirk Cameron's Jesus. A montage of dancing follows. Christmas has been saved. All in two minutes and three seconds. A holiday miracle for our times.

The trailer hints at a longer movie, raising the possibility that the trailer didn’t spoil it entirely. Perhaps what we see in the preview is the first act, and that the real conflict arises when Christian wakes up on Christmas morning realizing that everything Kirk Cameron told him is not only razor-flimsy, but also kind of awful. Maybe Christian comes to terms with the cultural melding that is Christmas, accepting the fact that people celebrate it in many different, personal ways, and that’s OK. Perhaps Christian thinks it over for the next 12 days, and on Jan. 6, has his epiphany. Talk about saving Christmas!

But, more likely, the longer film is simply the preview’s story arc with a lot more Kirk Cameron proselytizing and Christian dad-dancing. You might come away from this trailer thinking you want two minutes of your life back, but you’ll have to see the full movie to want 80 minutes of your life back.

Unrated; 2 minutes, 3 seconds; now playing on the Internet.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Helter wed-her

Charles Manson is getting hitched, and there is much rejoicing by defenders of traditional marriage.

I've already seen several unmarried friends joke (?) that even Charles Manson is married and they aren't. Which is funny (?) but also a flawed premise.

Lots of terrible people get married all the time. Charles Manson has been married at least twice before. It's an easy contract to enter into and is irrespective of personal worth.

Conversely, lots of awesome people marry later in life or not at all.

So if anyone is so bold as to tell me, "Charles Manson is married and you aren't," I shall respond, "Yes, but I'm not Charles Manson."

There's at least as much merit to not being Charles Manson as there is to being in a good marriage.